Job Profiles

Putting America Back to Work

121 Jobs That Don’t Suck

Believe it or not, I was once responsible for picking out the underwear for Britney Spears. Wow, I can not tell you how much I hated that job! Only three months into the job, she ended up firing me. She believed she did not have the need for underwear. I remember her saying in my exit interview “Ya’all I don’t need underwear”. I strongly believe she, and the world, regrets firing me.

After that horrible work experience I vowed to never have a job that sucked again. So, I spent 121 days locked in my closet thinking about what would be the world’s greatest job. Each day I came to a new conclusion. Lucky for you, during my 121 day focus session I took very detailed notes by candle light. So here it is folks, 121 jobs that do not suck…

Obvious Jobs That Don’t Suck (Day 1 through 35)

  1. BeerBrewer – What else do I have to say then “You get to sample your own product”?
  2. Game Tester – You get paid to play video games. Ahhh the good life.
  3. Life Guard – Sun, bikinis, and six Packs. Be the next Mitch Buchanan.
  4. Actor– Enjoy the rich and famous lifestyle.
  5. Failed Actor – If you find yourself on the B-List do not worry. You can always do reality TV. Here is to you Ponch.
  6. Mascot – You get to watch all your favorite games right on the playing field!
  7. Ice Cream Maker – Sugar + Milk + Ice = Fun!
  8. Cartoonist – Get paid to draw.
  9. Surfer- The only downer is getting eaten by shark.
  10. Food Critic – All you have to do is love food.
  11. Hooters Cook – Work with good-looking women and you get to cook food.
  12. Game Master – Also know as a GM. You get to rule to the world in your favorite video game. Here is an example of how uber you could be.
  13. Airplane Pilot – Fly the skies!
  14. snowboarding Ski/snowboard instructor – Get paid to play in the snow!
  15. Fishing Guide – Love to fish?
  16. Astronaut – Fly me to the moon!
  17. Glass Blower – Shaping molten glass into beautiful water pipes is truly an underrated art form.
  18. Sky Diver Instructor – Just make sure to pack your parachute correctly or this could be a quick career.
  19. Archaeologist – Pass me the whip.
  20. Teacher – You might not receive the biggest paycheck, but you get the chance to shape the minds of the future.
  21. Photographer – Point and shoot.
  22. Carney – Teeth are not required.
  23. Sportscaster – If Joe Namath can do it, you can. Just make sure not to drink too much on your off days!
  24. Cameraman – Nobody sees you, but you get to see all the action up close.
  25. Model – If you like to smoke and can make yourself throw up on demand this job is for you.
  26. Failed Model – If you fail at modeling then you can marry a Brady!
  27. Professional Athlete – Get paid to play sports. Take your pick: NHL, NBA, NFL, and more!
  28. Hair Stylist – If you do not want to go to college and still want a degree this one might be for you! Make Mom and Dad proud!
  29. Coffee Barista – Love caffeine? One of the perks of this job is that you get it for free.
  30. Movie Critic – Are you addicted to movies? Then embrace that addiction and voice your opinion. Trust me someone will listen.
  31. Racer Car Driver – All you have to do is make left turns! How hard could it possibly be? Watch out for the invisible fire!
  32. Rolls Baker – You may have to wake up early in the morning, but you do it for the “carbs”.
  33. Roller Coaster Architect – Make sure you double-check your calculations.
  34. Pro Golfer – People carry your bags while you hit a small white ball with a club. How much better could it get?
  35. Rocket Scientist – You could finally be like Wile E. Coyote.

Not So Obvious Jobs That Don’t Suck (Day 36 through 102)

  1. Stock Broker – Be as cool as Kevin Bacon in Quicksilver or Charlie Sheen in Wall Street. You got to love the 80’s.
  2. Lawyer – People may not like you, but the paycheck is nice.
  3. Professional Bowler – You get to wear cool shoes and play with balls.
  4. Makeup Artist – You could make people pretty or ugly.
  5. Missus – Oil me up baby!
  6. Private Investigator – Catch spouses cheating.
  7. Roadie – Rock on man!
  8. Painter – Nothing like a freshly painted room.
  9. Florist – Providing the men of the world a chance to make up for what they did wrong.
  10. Pharmaceutical Representative – A professional drug dealer. The pay is great and you get to sample your product.
  11. Interior Decorator – You could be come a glorified furniture mover.
  12. Fashion Designer – Even with bad taste you could make it in this industry.
  13. Pool Cleaner – It is like being a water boy.
  14. Computer Programmer – All you nerds have a chance to become rich and get all the hot women finally.
  15. Nanny – A life of servitude, but molding the life of a child is priceless.
  16. machine gunNavy Seal – Guns + Guns + Guns = Fun!
  17. Botanist – The perfect job for the ex-hippies out there.
  18. Underwater Welder – The perfect mix of fire and water.
  19. FBI Agent – No, not a female body inspector.
  20. CIA Agent – Work for ….. the man.
  21. Meteorologist – All you have to do it predict and use percentages.
  22. News Caster – I’m Ron Burgundy?
  23. Yoga Instructor – If you can bend like a pretzel you got this job.
  24. Crop Duster – Flying low level plane in the country. How perfect.
  25. Butler – A life of servitude, but you get a great paycheck.
  26. Celebrity Agent – I heard that Britney Spears was hiring.
  27. Personal Assistant – A life of servitude, but you get to work for the coolest people on earth!
  28. Secretary – If you can land a job in fortune 500 company you cpuld make big dollars answering phones and doing whatever your boss asks *wink* *wink*.
  29. Body Builder – After you put the weights down you could become a governor.
  30. Sommelier – If you love wine this is for you. People will actually pay you because you are a wino.
  31. Cobbler – Everyone needs shoes.
  32. Poet – Anything you write can be poetry.
  33. tractorFarmer – Nothing like taking the tractor out for a sunrise spin.
  34. High-end Waiter – You can spit in your customers’ food without them knowing and with a bill totaling around $200 for two people you should get around $40.
  35. Coach – You could tell other people to do things that you could never do.
  36. Inventor – You might come up with many ideas that fail, but all you need is one.
  37. Referee – You get to watch and influence all your favorite games.
  38. Counselor – If you don’t want to work all year long and think you are good with people then counseling would be a great choice. The highest paid counselors work at elementary schools. Think about the hardest situation you might have to deal with: “Johnny stole my ice cream cone” “Now Johnny was that nice?”
  39. Real Estate Agent – If you are good with people and like money, this is for you. Your salary is all commission, but you get anywhere around 2-3% of your sales. With the medium house price around $250,000 you take home $7,500 a pop. Imagine if you worked an area with $1,000,000 homes.
  40. Chef – You get to wear a funny hat and eat great food.
  41. Animal Trainer – If you think you can hear what animals are saying then strive for this job.
  42. Dog Breeder – Ahh the miracle of life.
  43. Plastic Surgeon – There are many fields you could go into and you make way to much money. You can even be on TV!
  44. Radio DJ – If you are lacking in the looks department, but have a great personality then radio is for you.
  45. Volcanologist – You can be like Pierce Brosnan in Dante’s Peak.
  46. firefighterFire Fighter – You actually get paid to sleep on the job. When you are not sleeping you get to save lives and play with fire.
  47. Police Officer – The perfect job if you like guns and fast cars. I mean anyone can become a police officer these days.
  48. Paramedic – What is sexier than a paramedic?
  49. Music Producer – Coach, Record, Mix and, Master.
  50. Cal Trans Worker – You get to work for Arnold Schwarzenegger the Governator.
  51. Park Ranger – You get to wear a cool hat and work outdoors.
  52. Marine Biologist – Be the next Jacques-Yves Cousteau.
  53. Casino Dealer – Learn all the secrets.
  54. Captain of a Charter Deep Sea Boat – Be the old man in the sea.
  55. Nurse – If someone dies, it is not your fault. Point your finger at the doctor.
  56. Doctor – It may be your fault when someone dies, but you get paid a lot of money to deal with it.
  57. Flight Attendant – Fly around the world. “Peanuts anyone? Peanuts”
  58. Personal Trainer – “Where going to pump you up!”
  59. Department of Natural Resources – Be a protector of mother nature.
  60. Entertainer – Be the next Cedric or work on a cruise ship.
  61. Racing Crew Team – If you can change a tire this job is for you!
  62. Webmaster – High paying and you could work from home.
  63. Travel Writer – Stay at word class resorts for free. Ahh the power of the written language.
  64. Winemaker – You get to taste your product.
  65. Graphic Designer – Replace your paint brushes with a mouse.
  66. ChaCha Search Guide – Find answers for people. Not the highest paying job out there, but you can do it in your underwear.
  67. Travel Agent – Be a vacation expert.

What The Hell Was I Thinking? (Day 103 through 121)

  1. Vice President of the United States – You get all the prestige of being the President without actually having everyone hate you.
  2. Reality TV Producer – You can never really make a bad show. I mean people think “I Love New York” is a great reality show.
  3. K-Fed’s Bodyguards – You know this white boy won’t ever get in a fight. You might have to shield the loser from people throwing his own CDs at him.
  4. Crab Deck Hand – Deadly, but fun!
  5. Counter-Terrorism – Risky, but you can be a part of ridding terror from the world. Like President Bush.
  6. Blogger – Make money online.
  7. Garbage Man – You may smell when you get home, but you get to drive a cool truck!
  8. My Job – I get to sit in my bathrobe, drink my coffee, and think.
  9. PriestPriest – You do not have to worry about the ladies, but watch out for the little boys.
  10. Nun – You do not have to worry about finding a man. Jesus is your man.
  11. Civil War Actor – You will always know what side is going to win.
  12. Cattle Rancher – Moooooo… Moooooo… You still could live your childhood fantasy of being a cowboy.
  13. Bouncer – You have to love getting paid to beat up people.
  14. Sword Smith – The perfect job for the Dungeon and Dragons nerd.
  15. Tattoo Artist – Your artwork is permanent.
  16. Paper Sales – You get to work with Dwight, Jim (Big Tuna), and Pam.
  17. Santa Clause – No not the real Santa Clause, but the one in your local mall.
  18. Drug Dealer – The pay is great and you get to sample your product.
  19. Pornstar – What? You know you were all thinking it.

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